Almost is Not Enough
by ellikanellika
Summary: He was such a dork; pinning after a girl he could never have. At least not completely. He had her physically – if he put it like that, but she was far from feeling any romantic emotions towards him.


_**Almost is Not Enough**_

* * *

After he opened the door to his apartment, Koko walked in and sighed. He closed the door with his foot, pulled his jacket off and threw it on his coat hanger, and took his shoes off. He walked into the kitchen, opened his fridge, and pulled out a carton of juice, which he took with him into the living room. He sat down on his couch with a heavy sigh and turned on the TV. The only light in his flat.

It was late in the evening, and all he could watch was a thriller movie; however, he did not see what was going on on the screen. His mind was somewhere completely else. He sipped his juice and stared in front of him. After a long day of working as a primary teacher in training and then helping at the bar nearby, he felt exhausted. That is why it was no wonder his mind wandered into dangerous waters as it usually did when he was alone.

It had been such a long time. It had been such a long time, and still he was nowhere near where he wanted to be. He sighed again. He was such a dork; pinning after a girl he could never have. At least not completely. He had her physically – if he put it like that, but she was far from feeling any romantic emotions towards him. Not that he could blame her for that. They do have an agreement, and she as the great girl she is, does not break her promise.

He groaned in frustration, his eyes welling up. He was the one who broke their promise. He broke it even before they made it. Only he had been, and still is, too much of a coward to tell her that. It has been a few years since they stated this friends with benefits relationship, and at the beginning he felt like the luckiest guy one the planet, having his crush as his casual sex partner, thinking that after some time, they would eventually become a couple.

Only they did not.

They made a promise at the beginning not to fall in love with each other, so to not complicate things or destroy their friendship – they were after all best friends. He of course only said that he would not fall in love with her because he was sure to make progress in that direction. But she never indicated anything romantic between them. Not once. She was the same as in the beginning. A friend. A best friend who knew practically everything about him. Just not about his feelings towards her.

And with each passionate sex he felt more awful. Not because it was not good – no, far from it. It was great, fantastic, mind blowing. He felt horrible because he was in love with her and could not tell her that. He felt like an idiot each time his traitorous heart beat faster only for, knowing that it was in vain. He tried to tell her with his hungry kisses, with his skilful fingers that made her bring out sounds of pleasure no one else ever heard, and with his eyes gazing at her with unspoken confessions of love.

She never got the message.

Either she ignored it or she really was that blind.

He did not know.

What he did know; however, was that it made him feel ill. He could not do this anymore. Not without feelings. She was the best girl he had the pleasure to meet and share his bed with, and he could not imagine sharing his bed with her without her knowing how he felt for her. Not anymore.

Koko sighed once more. He put the juice away and leaned back, letting his head roll to the side. Then he looked up to the ceiling. He closed his eyes, his shoulders falling. He did not know what to do. Until now, he was desperate enough to endure it; he chuckled sadly thinking what his friends would tell him. What kind of a guy would complain about such a relationship. He could do what he wanted, with who he wanted and still not have to worry about her opinion about the matter. What they had was a sex relationship. But they were also friends, so Koko knew he would not be able to keep silent about his other affairs. So he did not have other affairs, because he only wanted Mikan.

No one knew about their agreement, and he was glad about it. He had no idea how he would look into the eyes of his other friends and discuss his non-relationship with Mikan.

It all started out a few years ago, when the group of still-university-students went out for a few drinks after their team won a game. The few drinks turned into a massive drinking night, of course and no one really knew what they all were talking about or what they were doing. They all had danced drunkenly, pranked a few people on their long journey to the campus, and laughed the night away. How and when they parted that night, Koko did not know. What he did know; however, was that the next day, when a storm was raging outside, he woke up with a massive hangover, in a mass of limbs and hair and pleasantly warm skin. A very very naked Mikan Sakura, his best friend, was lying next to him, her arms and legs intertwined with his.

At first he thought he was still sleeping, dreaming of her, so he closed his eyes and let his mind drift back to the dream land. But sometime later, when he woke up once again, he could feel her move around in her sleep, and he had to open his eyes again. He blinked at first a few times, his head throbbing like mad and once his brain comprehended that yes, the girl he had a crush on was really beside him in his bed, star naked, he felt the shock hit him like a brick and freeze him to the spot. He could not move for a few moments. His brain shut down and he could not think.

Then Mikan turned around once more, her sleeping form facing him. Koko gulped. The hangover was forgotten as the girl pressed her soft soft body to his chest. After that he was wide awake. _Visibly_ wide awake. Panic overflew his body, but he stopped himself from moving.

Oh, Kami-sama! What has he done?!

He did not know if he should remove himself from the bed (how he would do that, he did not know, for they were clinging to each other quite desperately), or should he wait for her to wake up (she would eventually; if not because of the noises outside at the campus, then because of the quite tangible thing leaning on her stomach).

What should I do?! He screamed in his head, having no idea how to solve this. His body started shaking in both panic and need and he cursed himself for being a guy. For being a dirty dirty guy who took advantage of his beautiful, wonderful best friend. He could not even imagine what she would do to him once she awakens. What she would say.

He closed his eyes in pain and groaned in frustration. But that was a mistake, because the girl in his arms stirred, a pained expression on her face (most probably because of the hangover), and after some time opened her eyes. Her eyes were still glazed over when he looked into her eyes in fear. Then she blinked a few times, clearing her vision. Once her vision was steady, she stared into his eyes. Then gasped.

They did not move right away. The realization froze them to the spot. Then slowly, Mikan started untangling herself from him and Koko did it too, regret and dread filling his chest. He wanted to cry. He felt so dirty. Once they were not touching each other anymore, a blanket hiding their naked bodies, they sat up and faced each other. Koko quickly saw the shame on her face. With their eyes wide, and both surprised and scared, they did not move or say a thing.

Koko was the first one to find his voice. He knew he had to do this right. He did a horrible thing to his friend. His mother would be ashamed of him.

''Mikan…'' his voice was ruff and broke at the end. He had overused his vocal cords during the night and now felt the pain in his throat. He gulped down saliva and tried again. He had to do this right, dammit.

''Mikan… I-I'm sorry. I didn't want to take advantage of you.'' He brought out, trying to hide his hurt and tears. He felt so awful. He felt so dirty. For some time, they both did not say anything after that. Mikan watched him with searching eyes, her mind trying to remember what had happened during the night. It seemed she did remember, for her cheeks flushed bright red and she averted her eyes.

Koko wanted to die.

''No…'' she whispered. He glanced at her in confusion.

''It's not just your fault. It's mine, too. It's not like I didn't do anything, too, right?'' she looked up, her eyes a little teary and wide, uncertain of what to do. Of course… Mikan never blamed anyone for anything. She always shared the guilt. She always took half of the burden. And even if she was right, because let's be honest, it takes two to tango, he still felt as if he was responsible for all this. He had a crush on her. He wanted her. And he used her for his selfish needs when she did not know what she was doing.

Koko went through his hair with his trembling hand and took a deep, shaky breath. Mikan noticed his trouble and sighed. ''Koko… You are my best friend. I don't blame you for this. We both were drunk and we were both… active-'' she blushed at this. ''-in this. It's a two way street and it's also my fault. Not just yours.''

Koko stared at her, his cheeks red, his lips in a thin line. ''I feel like I assaulted you.'' He whispered and reached for her cheeks as a few tears rolled down. She shook her head. ''Don't be daft. If someone has to say sorry, it's me. I'm sorry I took advantage of you. I don't… remember much… what happened after we walked out of the pub… but I…'' Koko took her trembling hands in his and she stopped speaking.

''Let's just agree we did something reckless.'' He stared into her eyes. ''I regret doing this while we were drunk, but I don't regret that it happened.'' He confessed, embarrassed. Mikan was stunned with this confession and smiled. ''It was indeed a… really good experience.''

Koko was dumbfounded for a second, before he grinned at her too. ''How much do you remember of the night?'' he asked, relief calming his strained body. Mikan blushed even more and he could not help but blush too. ''Uh… Not much...'' she glanced his way shyly. ''Just a few hours of our… uh… night together.''

''I remember some too.'' He admitted. ''It was quite mind blowing.''

She finally snorted and laughed aloud. He laughed with her and they finally relaxed. He was glad it went so easy. They were indeed best friends. As the laughter died out, an awkward silence followed and both of them tried to not look into each other's eyes.

''What now?'' she asked uncertain.

Koko shrugged helplessly. ''I don't know. I've never slept with a friend. I'm not sure how this works.''

Mikan nodded. ''Me nether. It's sometimes easier knowing you will never see the other party again.''

''And there's no need for explanation of why you sneaked out in the morning.'' Koko added.

''You know, if it were anyone else but you, I wouldn't be so calm.'' She admitted with a shy smile.

Koko felt proud and grinned again. ''Same here.''

They glanced at each other, then around the room, and back, the tension rising. Through the blanked, wrapped firmly around her breasts, Koko noticed Mikan got excited again. Her cheeks were flushed and her breathing became a little faster. Her long hair was tangled around her petit body and she was so beautiful, Koko felt his chest ache. He had been excited all along; he had no idea how he managed to hold it that long. They stared at each other, their eyes wide, their bodies aroused, and their judgement clouded.

Koko cleared his throat, glancing away. ''Mikan…''

''Hmm…'' she licked her lips and nervously nibbled at her lip. Koko gulped. ''I- I need t-to- um- I have to go to the bathroom to- um- you know…'' He made the mistake of looking her in the eye, and froze. She too did not move an inch.

''Should we-'' they both said at the same time and laughed.

''One more time?'' he asked, and she nodded. They literally jumped each other, blankets flying to the ground, and sweaty, slick skin rubbing against each other, mouths clashing, tongues licking, and noises of pure pleasure filling the room. Koko felt his heart and his body burst in want as he penetrated into her, and she rode him, her hair a tangled mess around her perky, flushed body, her face turned up to the ceiling, moaning for release.

He felt heaven. He saw heaven. And she was the angel above, making him feel pure pure happiness.

That day they simply could not separate and enjoyed each other's company until the end of the weekend. They had agreed that the matter is of course of private nature and would stay between them. Another agreement they reached, although a little more carefully and with a great deal of embarrassment, was to keep this new found… energy alive. They were best friends. They could also be friends with benefits.

And so it started.

Whenever they needed release or simply yearned for a more intimate company, they met and let themselves go. There were no spoken words of any kind of romantic emotions and Koko was fine with that for some time. It started troubling him some time ago, a few years after this arrangement started – and he had no idea how he ever managed to take it.

It ate him inside out and whenever they had sex, he was on the verge of crying like a child, almost begging her to love him the way he loved her. Because yes, he loved her. He loved her. He could not explain it in other words. He wanted to share everything with her; not just the body and thoughts – he wanted to share emotions, life. He felt like a woman with this, but he could not help himself. Not anymore. He had denied himself this for far too long. And as much as he loved the girl, as much as he wanted her to stay in his life – he had to tell her and let her know that he cannot stay her friend in that way anymore. Because it was torture. It was painful. And he would rather she left him because he told her what he felt for her than stayed, slowly letting him die.

His hands were shaking and his eyes welled up in tears thinking that way. He gulped down his sorrow and thought about how to do this. He had to tell her. He had to or else he would die in pain.

He was still sitting on his couch, staring blankly at his TV, his body numb. He did not turn up the lights and the room was dark. Even darker, for outside ran a wild thunderstorm, just like that time, when they woke up together for the first time.

He did not blame her for anything. He was the one who selfishly fell in love with her, expecting more than she could give. There were times he thought he saw the emotions he yearned for on her face, but then she smiled sweetly and made him realize that that is just the way she is. She was a gentle girl with a shy personality, but at the same time, she was a wild cat, a sensual woman, hidden under the girly clothes and sugar voice. She was a goddess. And he, once again, felt dirty to have wasted her precious youth to spend having sex with her best friend instead of with someone she loved.

He felt defeated.

Tonight, she would have come to his apartment he bought two years ago, right after his first three paycheques if it were not raining that hard. He had been so happy to have a place for himself he could share with her at times. She lived in her own tiny apartment and there had been times he tried to ask her to simply move in with him and share the flat. But living at their own flats was a line they draw to not complicate their easy-going relationship.

He groaned in frustration.

He just wanted to be with her.

Suddenly, he heard a key being pushed into his lock and door went unlocked. Only Mikan had his spare key. So she did come anyway.

''Hello!'' she called carefully, once she noticed the darkness in the room. Only the TV was running. She tip-toed to his living room, thinking he was asleep. He closed his eyes and evened his breathing. He would take what he could.

Mikan walked around the couch and thought he was asleep. She smiled to herself and sat down next to him. She gently caressed his cheeks. ''Koko…'' she whispered, giggling when he turned his face towards her. ''Koko, wake up, you sleepy head.'' She called softly, playing with his hair. His heart ran a mile and he could not stay still anymore. He slowly opened his eyes to meet with her warm smile.

''Good evening, Koko. '' she playfully, nudged him and he smiled. ''Hello there.''

Mikan sat sideways at the couch, her right elbow leaning on the back rest, supporting her head, her legs dangling from the couch. Her hair was hugging her body that was wrapped in a white-blue summer dress, and her soft fingers of her free hand were still playing with his hair. He breathed in her perfume and looked at her. She was so very beautiful.

He sighed, grimacing at the thought of having to tell her. She noticed his frustration and looked at him in concern. ''What is it?'' she asked, moving a little closer. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and have his way with her, but he had to do this.

''Koko… What happened?'' she asked, her voice gentle and alluring, and this time he did groan.

''Mikan…'' he started, closing his eyes. She was really concerned now, but waited.

''I can't do this anymore.'' He finally told her, but only gained confusion. ''What do you mean?''

''This… Us… I can't do it anymore.'' He whispered the last part and when he looked at her, he saw the hurt on her face. She opened her mouth to demand an explanation, but he beat her to it. ''I love you.'' He finally admitted and it felt like the world fell off his shoulder. ''I love you, and I can't play this game anymore.''

He watched the expressions on her face turn from hurt to surprise, to bewilderment, and then to realization. She blinked. ''You love me.'' She stared blankly, still not really getting it. He nodded.

''I know we said to not do this emotional thing, but I can't help myself. I mean, at the beginning I thought I would be able to hold it in, because a crush is still just a crush, and doesn't really mean much, but I just… I've been in love with you for so long that I can't even remember the time I wasn't and I can't do this anymore if it means having to suppress what I'm feeling for you.'' He rambled, trying to explain everything.

''You've been in love with me all this time?'' she asked blankly, again.

He nodded unhappily and put his hand over his eyes. ''I'm sorry… I just-'' he suddenly felt her hands on his hand as she pulled it down. He came face to face with her. She was smiling. She put her hands on his cheeks, and felt him blush.

''You love me?'' she repeated once again, this time staring at him with such warmth and love, his heart skipped a few beats. He nodded dumbfounded and she threw herself at him, kissing his lips. He gasped and she used the opportunity to slip her tongue in and make him go mad. He slowly raised his arms and put them around her petit body, pulling her closer. She straddled his lap, pressing hard against him, her hands traveling through his hair. She hungrily ravished his lips and Koko was more than just surprised.

''M-Mikan?'' he tried to ask, but she sucked at his lip and shut him up. He was already hot and breathy for her, ready to pleasure her.

She suddenly pulled away, grinning at him. He blinked in confusion. ''I'm in love with you Koko, you big fat oaf!'' she laughed at his bewildered expression.

''You do?'' was his smart reply.

''Of course, silly. Why do you think am I still with you? And have been having sex with only you, for that matter?''

''Why didn't you tell me?''

''Because I thought you didn't feel the same!''

''But I thought you didn't feel the same!''

They stared at each other in surprise. Koko grinned. ''Man… So we wasted our time being casual sex friends, although we felt the same?''

Mikan nodded, smiling.

''Since when…?'' he asked, still not really getting it.

Mikan blushed and averted her eyes. ''Uh… For quite some time now…''

He held her a little closer. ''How long?'' he really wanted to know.

Mikan mumbled something under her breath, making him laugh. ''Come one, tell me!''

''Years… High school…'' he caught the words by chance and stared at her in awe. ''Really?'' he breathed. ''You liked me since High school?''

She nodded embarrassed, not being able to look him in the eye. He pulled her face down and kissed her slowly, enjoying the taste of her lips. ''Kami-sama… I was so blind… I thought you-''

''I was desperate, you know…'' she muttered. ''We were best friends for years and I was too shy to tell you. And then we slept together and I felt like I used you, and I was so ashamed, but at the same time I didn't want us to just stop, and you never said anything-'' she was rambling, her face was flushed, her eyes bright, and her whole body was leaning into him, making his mind fuzzy. So he had to kiss her again. This time longer, and more sensual than before. She moaned, and then her breath hitched, her body moving.

''I thought I was the one using you. Especially the first few times.'' He whispered, pecking at her lips. ''I've been mad for you for so long and I felt so foul… I thought I was pulling you into my selfish routine, and I just wanted you to fall in love with me.''

She kissed him madly then, and then her lips travelled to the side to his ear, nibbling at it, whispering how much she cared for him. Koko knew that some men did not like romantic confession during hot, steamy sex, but he just gained the love of his life and he felt so happy, he almost yelled. Her lips travelled down his neck and licked at his favourite spot, making him moan and groan in pleasure.

''M-Mikan…'' he breathed her name. ''Mikan, be with me.'' He asked and she stopped kissing the spot to face him. She was smiling innocently. ''I've been with you for years, Koko. I don't intend to change that. There's only you for me.'' She told him, her eyes a little wet. Koko breathed out, his heart bursting. He pulled her down again, kissing her all over. His hands wandered down down to her bum, massaging it, feeling her skin, and eventually he grabbed her firmly, and picked her up. She squeaked in surprise, but did not stop locking lips with, as he carried her into his bedroom, where they spent a very long, and very steamy night together. And day, to be honest. Because the night ended too quickly, they dragged their activities out into the next day, for as long as their bodies allowed them.

When their friends received the news that the two of them were officially together, they were all surprised.

''Weren't you two together for years now?'' was Hotaru's question and Mikan and Koko looked at each other in surprise. Then they looked back to the group.

''You guys thought we were together?'' Mikan asked.

''Well… Yeah.'' Added Mochu. ''You two spent so much time together, we just assumed that… Well…'' he shrugged helplessly, making the couple laugh.

''So who confessed first?'' asked Anna excitedly. ''I can't believe you two were just friends until now. I was sure the two of you were exclusive since I don't know.

Mikan and Koko both blushed at that. No need to tell anyone what they were up until now. Although, most probably everyone knew it already.

''It was me, actually.'' Koko admitted, scratching the back of his head. Mikan nodded, smiling at him.

''Really…'' the group stared at them, still hardly understanding. However, they had to celebrate the news. And once again they drank the night away, singing and dancing, and eventually Mikan and Koko waltzed to Mikan's apartment, now unconcerned of who might see them, and had a very very nice night – for the first time, the neighbour complained because of the noise.''


End file.
